Decisions, decisions… to be or not to be in a relationship. In my humble opinion, nowadays, people tend to give up way too easily to a relationship. And that’s painful.
We’re not talking about toxic relationships or physical and mental abuse, these represent a whole other discussion and a very sensitive one. If you are trapped in one of these dangerous situations, run and ask for help! You matter, don’t forget that, and you are enough!
But today, I’m talking about the man / woman of your dreams who suddenly becomes a stranger and sometimes your enemy, your favorite person to whom you don’t know how to speak anymore, even if you want it badly. I’m talking about dysfunctional relations by routine, stress or personal baggage, not by nature.
With time, we develop a new kind of relationship with our partner, and preferably a better one. From being in love we discover how to love, we learn about teamwork, admiration, altruism and care. We grow from two persons into a couple, a partnership, a team and a family.
Every relationship looks like a wave, it goes up and it goes down, and you want to make sure you both know how to surf and that no one will drown on the way. Let’s explore together a list of things you may try consistently to help improve your relationship. I assure you that you’ll uncover so much about you and your partner.
1. Be honest
It may seem pretty obvious, but it’s as simple as that. First, be honest with yourself and acknowledge when you’re wrong or exaggerated toward your spouse. Change the habit of telling yourself stories about your partner, this will help you be more secure about you and also about him and will create a healthier routine for your relationship.
Ask questions without assuming you know the outcome and things will be so much simpler and clearer. And when your partner asks you something you feel unsure or ashamed of, or you just think he/she will be mad about, just tell the truth. Maybe a short rupture will follow, but the foundation of the relationship will become stronger and real.
Nobody’s perfect, relationships either, but work for it, and try to be the best version of yourself every single day, for you, for your partner, for your kids and family.
2. Give him some space
If you’re part of a couple, it doesn’t mean you should be glued together and spend every minute of every day doing the same things, going to the same places, eating the same food. Even if you have kids or I may say especially when you have kids together, it’s always recommended to have some time for yourself. This was for me the moment when I realized the importance of ME time.
Take a walk, a long bath, a night out with some friends, a yoga or a dance class, an hour to write in your journal or meditate, whatever makes you or your loved one happy. This will help you recharge your batteries, rebuild your confidence and give you the space needed to take care of your mind and spirit.
It doesn’t mean you don’t love each other or your kids, it just means that you also love yourself. And this is a good thing, a thing that’ll make you a better spouse and parent. Go and take some distance and you’ll come back closer than ever.
3. Respect
Respect should always be a present and active value within yourself. Especially in a relationship, respect is a deal breaker. Even if you’re talking to a 1 year old, respect is a must toward every human being, to every soul. We are equal no matter what education or background we have.
Respecting the one in front of you means respecting some healthy principles. And let’s be honest, it makes you feel good about yourself. Respect is accepting people for who they are, no matter differences or opinions. This is really the foundation for any meaningful relationship.
4. Quality Time together – for a shared meaning
We often find it hard to sit next to our partner and just hang out. And not because you don’t want to or you don’t enjoy it, but simply because you come tired from work and you have plenty of chores to do in the house too (especially if you also have a kid or two).
But trust me, your dishes won’t disappear, and the toys won’t be magically picked up and put nicely to their place, so why don’t postpone a day? It’s not the worst, believe me. But if you postpone your relationship, your couple time, the one on one game (if you know what i mean), it may be crucial.
So leave the chores, put your kid to bed, and watch some Netflix with your spouse, drink some wine, talk about your day, about your dreams, eat together, do some doonga doonga, I’m positive you’ll thank me later.
5. Trust
Building trust is a matter of time. However, at the beginning of my relationship, I trusted my partner by default. Not blind trust, I kept some safety boundaries, but I entered into the relationship with an open heart.
Otherwise, if you’re always full with doubt, and live in constant worries, there’s big chances that won’t last. The relationship, not the worries, the worries will just grow until they will implode. And that’s not good, for you, for your partner, or for the couple.
The deep, unquestionable trust needs time, time to grow, to shape and to develop. Once you have this, you and your partner become stronger as a couple. But the most important trust you should pursue is in yourself. Self trust is the key to attract and cultivate long time and flowering relations. When you’re at peace with yourself, you see clearly, you choose wisely and you attract similar people around you.
6. Be kind, not abusive
Kindness is the key to success. When you’re becoming aggressive or condescending, the other person will only hear your tone, not your words. Try to be empathic, maybe your partner doesn’t want to annoy or upset you, maybe he has other values and sees the matter from a different point of view. But this doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or respect you.
It happens often that men see things differently in a relationship or family, he may value the experiences you share together and not how clean the house is. You just need to communicate your values and expectations in a way that is kind and understanding towards your partner, and listen to him.
If you just pour all the bitterness you feel in the moment and then you walk away, slamming the door, you won’t solve anything, you’ll just make distance between you bigger and bigger. Keep in mind, you want to find solutions to your problem, not collect evidence for a future divorce.
7. Express admiration and fondness
I know, it’s easier to say nasty things, especially when you’re frustrated, stressed or tired, but remember your partner isn’t your punch box to throw all the emotional trash towards him or her. Don’t fall into the trap of taking him for granted, just because you have many years behind.
Especially because of that you should treat him with kindness, and most of all you should acknowledge the times when you’re proud of him or thankful for what he is or does and praise him. Say loud and clear what you admire of him, he deserves and needs to hear those words, and to know that he’s appreciated. This will make him work harder towards your relationship and make him want to be a better partner for you.
8. Best friend communication
My brother in law once told my husband, many years ago, when we were young lovers, that he observed how much we spoke one to another. This was one of my favorite things in our relationship from day one. He wasn’t just my boyfriend, he was my friend, and soon became my best friend and he still is.
We loved to stay up till 3-4 a.m. in the kitchen just talking about everything, and I mean everything we could think of: our relation, our thoughts, sex, school, friends and friendships, family, goals, struggles, happy moments…and so on. I think this is one of our strengths as a couple, we just know how to talk.
9. Be supportive
You must not forget something, your partner was a person before being part of a couple, and he still is. Even if we often see him as an extension of us, this is not right, we are two different persons with different dreams and hopes. We share some of them, and this is why we are together, but we are still different individuals. And that’s ok.
In many cases it is even better to pursue different careers, or have different hobbies in life, it makes the things less boring and predictable between the two of you. So be supportive with your partner, make him feel like his dreams and desires matter, and give him wings to pursue them.
Most of all, he will really listen when you disagree with his ideas, because he’ll know that you have his back, and your arguments are not coming from a selfish place, but from a supportive and caring one.
10. Forgive
This is my favorite, because it is also one of the hard ones. We are humans, so we are all making mistakes. It’s hard to see it that way when you’re hurt, but ask yourself: do you want to be right or do you want to be in a relationship?
If it’s a more sensitive problem, it may help you to make a list with all the good things in your relationship versus this issue that just appeared, or maybe versus all the bad things in your relationships and see what weights more (keep in mind that when we’re upset, we tend to see only the negative aspects from our relationship, so try to be objective).
Don’t overestimate the little things, try to be more relaxed and understanding, because the little things can grow into a big pile of nothingness that will destroy your relationship. There are many people who give up way too easily to a relationship and run to a new person that gives him or her butterflies.
But every relationship is full of butterflies at the beginning, what matters most is how we manage the mature part of our commitment, cause it’s simple to take your baggage and go from one person to another, but if you just run without solving the core problems, the emotional baggage remains the same and you’re just repeating the same scenario over and over again.
One thing that really helps is solving your issues before bedtime, especially if it’s a little thing. From my experience, sleeping being upset with each other will make your mornings bitter and will prolong the conflict, while cuddling will contribute to waking up happier and energized.
And remember that forgiving it doesn’t mean you are weak, or you’re giving the credit to the other person, you are first of all forgiving for yourself, you’re removing a weight from your chest and clearing your thoughts for a healthier and productive you.
In conclusion…
So, these are my 10 habits for a healthy relationship. I must admit I had actually 20 things on my list, but I concluded the 10 most important. Most things that matter in life are hard, but I can assure you that trying to apply this advice will improve your relationship and your awareness toward your partner. Just try it and let me know your thoughts about it.
